Scars

Everyone has scars, some just happen to be on the outside where everyone can see. While others are hidden deep within. It is hard to reprogram our brains to look at the scars differently. 

This is what my Mom taught me about mine: 

I had surgery when I was born that left me with 2 scars on my neck & one on my belly, which looked like a centipede. Mom told me they were beautiful and they tell my story of how God saved me. These scars, she said, gave me a new chance at life. I remember, my brother said, “Mom, you are not going to let her wear a two piece bathing suit are you?” Well, yes she did and I have most of the time. 

I have had people stare at me and I just smile back at them, because it is something to look at. I have had kids ask me about it.  I tell them it does not look like their belly, because I have a different story than they do.

I was a miracle baby born at 35 weeks. I had 3/4 of my small intestines removed at birth. The small intestines was gangrene, which was caused by it flipping the opposite way they are supposed to go, known as a volvus. This was while I was forming in my mother’s womb. I was the first baby to live at UT hospital with this condition.

The doctors told my mother, after 40 days in the NICU, that she was taking me home to die. She had pumped her breast every day to feed me. She kept me on her breast for a very very long time because they kept telling her I was going to die. At some point they said to her well I guess she’s not going to die! 

My mother started the breast milk bank at UT, my father always said that’s what saved my life. But when I was pregnant with the twins I had a doctor come talk to me. I was in the hospital and he said he came up to see me. Because I should not be here. That they still have babies in the NICU at UT dying from a volvus of the intestines. They can see them forming incorrectly, but they can’t do anything to reverse it. These babies are getting breast milk. The breast milk is not what saved me. It was God‘s mighty hand that saved me.

Since that first surgery I have had three other scars added to my belly that change the shape of my belly button. I now have a scar on my breast and under my arm as well. But they all tell a different story, but with the same theme, God saved me. I know everyone’s story is different, but I have learned to embrace my story and I pray you do as well. You are beautifully made in God’s image and loved so very much by Him that he sent his son to die for you! I never thought that was any different than what my mother would do. I was sure my mother would die for me. 

The difference is that Jesus had to take on the sins of all the world and was separated from his father. That no one else could do for me. I have learned to embrace my scars and learn with each new one, God has just added to His incredible story of his love and grace for me! May you come to realize this as well no matter where or what your scars look like, they are beautiful to God! 

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.

Celebrate Life!

Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!! Celebrating Life, is my theme this year! After being diagnosed in August, with stage one breast cancer, I am more aware and thankful for every day God gives me. 

For my birthday, my family and I did a photo shoot with Laurie Wilson, Lauriewilsonphotography.com, to celebrate being cancer free. This photo shoot was my friend, Temple Cundall’s suggestion, after I sent her the first photo to tell her I had cancer. She replied back, I want to see the next photo that says “CANCER FREE!” That was the best reply I could have ever had. I had not thought about there being an end to cancer, I was just relying on God to get me through each day. I had the first picture done to remind me that God was with me every step of the way. I knew this would not be an easy road and that I would need to be reminded who was in control! So I got lots of copies of the picture made and handed them out to everyone I came into contact with. I also had one blown up so I could look at it and be reminded of how very big God is to me. My friend Heather Crawford, asked “Is it like the stones for the children of Israel?” (Joshua 4:6-7) Yes, yes, yes! The picture is to remind me and my future generations of God and what He has done.  

God showed up in a mighty way this past year!  I am so thankful for all my family and friends who reached out to let me know they were thinking of me, praying for me and willing to bring me a meal! I really felt the love of God through so many wonderful people! I “ONLY” had stage one cancer, so I felt really good about my prognosis and was living as having had cancer was no big deal.  After I finished radiation I felt carefree, like a warrior home from battle.   

A few months after my radiation, I received news that another warrior had lost her battle with breast cancer. But she had stage three or four cancer, not like me… Well, I learned thirteen months, before it returned, she had stage one just like me. Then my friend’s mother’s breast cancer returned as well, each day she is fighting for her life. Wow! Reminder, there are still warriors fighting the battle, and there are some that have lost. I did not feel so good about doing a “CANCER FREE” photo anymore.  I did not feel like rejoicing when so many others were hurting so badly. My friend at church told me I had survivors guilt. Yes, I think that is what I had and I had recheck myself and realize that was from the Devil, not God! It is natural to feel sad, but it was not ok for me to feel guilty for living, “CANCER FREE.”

Yes, I know there are still people with cancer that are hurting, that there are people dying today of it. Just last week, my husband Brian, lost a good friend to cancer. I realize that God can take me out whenever He chooses. My mother, father, aunt, uncles, grandfather and friends have all lost the battle with different forms of cancer. But, I am not fearful, because I know my life is in His hands. I am cancer free today and I know tomorrow if I am not, He is still with me! I am safe because I have Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. HE was with me when I got the news, HE was with me when I had to tell my family, HE was with me in the waiting period, HE was with me when I had surgery, He was with me when I had radiation, He is with me as I take my daily treatment pill, HE was with me when I found another lump (it is fine), and He will be with me when I take my last breath. Until then I am going to give Him all the glory and say, if you do not know Jesus, He is just waiting for YOU! 

 

Doctors Sent by God

Many people came forward and shared their breast cancer story with me. It has been so helpful to know what to expect, doctors to see and so forth. One of those women was my husband's co-worker, Kathy. She reached out to me right away. One of her many texts, she told me the name of her oncologist. I had to read it many times because it was the same one my mother had, Dr. Grossman. This came as a shock because when my mother was in the hospital dying of cancer Dr. Grossman told us he was thinking of retiring.

So six years later, I thought for sure he would have retired, but now he was working for UT Hospital and he specialized in early stage breast cancer! This I knew was God leading me to him from my new friend Kathy.  I prayed about it and knew my mother would not want me to go to anyone else. The respect my mother had for doctor Grossman cannot be measured! My mother was an RN who was just brilliant. She read and kept up to date on the latest medical advances and so many other things. My mom would want to see him for every medical issue she had. I would tell her, "Mom, Dr. Grossman does not practice in that field." But it did not matter what it was, Dr. Grossman was the only one who would be able to solve her problem. This went on for eight years. She thought Dr. Grossman should do it all, because of course no one compared to him. So now I felt this was my mother's way of saying, I told you, only Dr. Grossman!

It felt like years from the time I found "the lump," until my appointment with the surgeon. Dr. Grossman's office got me in the next week I called. The two just happened to be the same day.
My husband and Aunt Della attended the surgical appointment with me. It gave me such peace knowing my aunt was with me who had been through this. She helped me think more logical and not act on my instinct, which was take these things off me! I do not want to die!

My first blessing, besides having my family with me, was seeing Dr. Lloyd's nurse whom I had gone to Haiti with on a mission trip many, many years ago. The next was getting all my results. The MRI only showed cancer in my one breast, which was very good, since at one time they thought I may have cancer in both breasts. My cancer was growing at 2%, which is very slow.  I was at Stage 1, was progesterone & estrogen positive (this responds best to treatments) and the cancer was very small! Dr. Lloyd, my surgeon, said I have two options, a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. The double mastectomy would not change my life expectancy. The chance of reoccurrence is only 3% with a double mastectomy, 6% with a lumpectomy if I had radiation & took the hormone therapy drug, for five years, to keep hormones from attaching to cancer cells. So, the advice was not "take an aspirin & call me in the morning." The treatment plan was to slice out the cancer or just take both breasts with your muscles & then stick balloons in there & fill them up with gel... hey, I like balloons! This was all quite good news considering...

The next appointment was with Dr. Grossman, he remembered my Mother & my Aunt Nancy, who came with me. He wanted to check to see if I was a carrier for the breast cancer gene. If I was, then I would have the double mastectomy & if not the lumpectomy. I was really happy to hear this, because I did not want to make such a decision. He took it out of my hands & left it up to my genes. I realize I still could make whatever choice I wanted to, because it is my body. So, I left it up to God to give me peace and to trust the doctors God had put in my path.
 

So I had my blood taken for the genetic test, but wait, I have to have "Counseling," on it first before my insurance will pay for it! Dr. Lloyd told me this, but somehow I did not understand! Now I had to wait a week for my counseling. This would be so easy compared to everything else!

Who is the Least of These?

Cancer Support Community, is a non-profit organization (www.CancerSupportET.org) that helps cancer patients and their loved ones navigate through this disease by offering educational information and supportive programs. I was told about this from my friend Kim, the day I borrowed the kids outfits for the pictures. So Monday, September 12, I made an appointment to talk with them.  When I called them, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and upset that I was going to a cancer group. I had cried a bit and had received a text from my father-in-law saying “Father has prepared a great work ahead for you as you have chosen to study His Word in depth. I believe He has a special assignment for you but we are hopeful too.” When I got this, I thought hmm…, how interesting; but, went on with feeling sorry for myself. Then God spoke very clearly to me, while I was in the bathroom brushing my hair. No, I did not hear an audible voice, but it was loud nevertheless. “Get over yourself!  THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!” Wow! I guess I was put in my place. So, I understood He wanted me to speak out, to be a voice for Him.

Ok, I have got this God, I will not feel sorry for myself and I will text my Bible study ladies, all five of them. So that is what I did, “God has put on my heart to ask each of you to do your breast exam. And ask each of you to get your mammogram. This is not from me, this is from God. Love you all!”  One of the ladies’ mother is a breast cancer survivor and she was putting off getting a mammogram. This made me think, I was on track and feeling pretty proud of myself. Remember, pride comes before fall… well once again I was put in my place quickly. “No, this is not enough; MY GIRLS are more than 5!” Ok, I am getting this, so I reluctantly emailed my friend who is a health reporter for the newspaper and told her I was willing to speak out regarding my recent diagnosis. However, I was not willing to email our friend the news anchor, TV is not for me!

As I headed for my meeting at the Cancer Support Community on Sutherland Ave. in Knoxville, I was feeling like I had a purpose. That I would share with them that I would help them, even though I was going to see how they could help me. Hmm.. very interesting once again, I put myself in an awkward position. I am sure the nice program associate thought I was nutty when I told her that I would help her if the need ever arises. So that need has not happened yet, but maybe one day it will and she will remember that strange lady with cancer who wanted to help the Cancer Support Community.

The next day I attended a nutrition class about Superfoods.  This ended up to be one of the hardest things I have done in my life. No, I did not have to sign a document stating I would never consume chocolate again, but I did have to introduce myself and say OUT LOUD that I, MARTI BAILEY, had BREAST CANCER! Isn’t that what the picture I had taken was for? It was taken so I would not have to utter the words I HAVE CANCER! I tried to find my voice, but found it weak and with tears as I introduced myself. I was able to say my name correctly, but I secretly wanted to introduce myself as someone else.  Because cancer, by the way happened to other people, not a “healthy,” “physically fit,” “young,” mother of twins! Then I remembered my Dad, yes, he was young, thin, had a young child (me), my friend Jennifer, and most physically fit person I know, and so many others including children had/have cancer . So yes, this does happen and did happen to me. Yes, I am the “least of these.”  By the way, there are NO superfoods and we are all the “least” of these as my dear friend Dr. Abby Blackmon has pointed out to me.

Matthew 25:40 “And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

Does Drinking Water Cause Cancer?

The day after the diagnosis my family and I had a yard sale. We had been planning it for weeks and the twins were so excited about it. They had wanted to participate in the community yard sale for many years. This may not have been the best day for me to greet strangers, but here I was nevertheless.
The kids and I went around to many of the different houses to check out any deals we could not miss out on and to check out the competition. I wanted to make sure we were being competitive in this very tight market. While we were walking around, the kids and I stopped at the community playground. I sat them down and told them that I had breast cancer.
I had to do this because we were getting our picture made later that day where I would announce to my friends and family my prognosis.  I told them that I did not know what I would have to go through, but that God loved us and He was with us always. He would be with us no matter, if I threw up, if I lost my hair and when I had surgery. Then I let them know that they were now old enough to help out when I got sick as well.
The previous year we had prayed for a little boy in their school who had cancer. We prayed for him every day on our way to school and at one point our prayers changed from healing on earth to going home with God. They knew my mom and dad died from cancer, so I had to show them that cancer does not equal death.
So, I reminded them that my Aunt Della had breast cancer and now she is doing well. We discussed other people who also had different types of cancer, but were doing fine now, such as their Gramps. I wanted them to see that I would be sick for a bit, but that we were going to trust God to guide our family.
My son wanted to know if my hair would grow back or if I would look like Dad. As we know sometimes hair just does not grow back. I let him know that we would throw a hair cutting party, and donate my hair to Locks of Love like his sister did and that the hair would eventually grow back. He was quite happy to hear that! The one thing my daughter wanted to know was if drinking water caused my cancer. Because she said, “You do drink so much water!” Well, this is true I do consume lots of water, but drinking it does not cause cancer.  She may have wished it was the case so she would have a reason to drink soda. Her question is right on with what everyone wants to know. If people could pinpoint a behavior that caused it, they could feel reassured they would not get it.
My daughter’s questions were the same as many others have as well.  “Why did I get cancer?”  or the question people want to know who do not have cancer, “What did you do wrong to get cancer?” I had one person tell me that it was type “A” personalities that get cancer and was I a type “A?”  Did I worry a lot and not sleep well? We all want to be reassured that WE will not get cancer, because WE are not like those who do. But the bottom line is, everyone’s days are numbered. I cannot put down a “Krusty the Clown guarantee”(I don’t even know what this means but my husband says it’s from the Simpson’s cartoon) that I will not die of cancer. But what I do know, is where I am going when that day comes. I do not think it will be soon, I pray it is not soon, but only God knows. Until then, I will fight the good fight, keep persevering, and doing the work God has called me to do.

God's Got This

The picture...

I was blessed, that my friend, Laurie Wilson, with Laurie Wilson Photography went out of her way to squeeze me in on a Saturday the day after I called her! The day came for our photo shoot and my husband did not think this was a good idea. He felt I was making too big of deal of this, but he went along with it because I told him this was my body and this was how I was dealing with it! Well, while we were getting ready he made the signs and not only did he make the two I asked for but two extra as well. Even after my attitude, he still made a sign that said, "My wife is still Beautiful," and one for me that said, "Stage One."   I was not really sure how I wanted the picture, but Laurie captured all I felt and more! The picture shows that it does not just affect me, but my whole family, that they support me and yes, that through it all God is who I will Trust.

My sister-in-law shared with me that she had read that in a given situation, you should think of the worst possible outcome and plan accordingly. So, that is what I did after I found "the lump." I started thinking about how I would act if I was diagnosed with CANCER. Every day, my prayer for myself is to become more like Christ. Because of my relationship with Christ, I knew that I wanted to stand firm on who's got this!

 While thinking of what standing firm on Christ looked like for me, I was reminded of another sister in Christ who had already walked this walk. She had posted a cute picture of her triplets in pink ribbon outfits. I thought maybe mine could wear something similar and have one of the kids hold a sign that said, "My Mom has breast cancer," and the other one hold up a sign that says "My God's Got This!"

The thought of the picture helped me have peace knowing I had a plan no matter the outcome of the tests. I was going to hand it all over to God. This helped me get through the long wait from August 24  until September 9th. I would remind myself, "My God's Got This!" even if I hear the words, YOU HAVE CANCER. I knew that if the diagnosis was indeed CANCER, then I would have a long road ahead and I would need to look back and remember Who's I was, Who's I am and Who's I am ALWAYS going to be. That I would not let CANCER dictate my life, my thoughts or let it define me. I knew looking at a picture would help me remember this when I may forget.

"My God's Got This," does not mean that I would not have CANCER throughout my body, I knew I could. It does not mean that I will not die, because one day I will. What it does mean, that no matter the situation, I am going to trust God with the outcome. I will completely surrender my will to His. That His ways are higher than my ways and tough days ahead are not likely, but promised when you follow Christ. So, it is all in how we handle the long hard walk.

It does not mean that I will not seek medical help, God has given me wisdom to know I need the help of knowledgeable doctors. Seeking God's will requires that I pray for those providing me medical care, from those checking me in, to those cutting me open. No person's job is to small that God does not use them. So I am committed to praying for all that I come into contact with through this new journey. I pray that if they do not know Christ as their Lord and Savior that my life will point to Him. I pray that I show them God's love, not my own, but His. Because mine, would never be enough. So when you look at this picture and see "God's Got This," know it means a whole lot more.

The Diagnosis

While getting ready for a hot date with my handsome husband, I received the call from Dr. Walsh, he identified himself and told me that it was what they had suspected. CANCER, stage I. He wanted to know the doctor I had chosen, and he suggested a few. The doctor I had chosen, he did not think I would be able to get into see very quickly. He then told me they would contact my family doctor to see if she had a strong opinion on who I should see and they would call me back and let me know what she said. Dr. Walsh let me know they did not expect to hear back from her that day, it would be Monday before they may reach her.

Once again, I was put into action, I had thought about how I would act if the news of CANCER invaded my life. I had decided that I would get a picture of my twins in a pink ribbon outfit holding up a sign God's Got This! My friend Kim Lewis, had a picture of her triplets in breast cancer awareness clothes, and that is where I got the idea on the clothes. The "God's Got This" allowed me to stand firm on who's I am, who's I believe, and who I put my trust in and that is Jesus Christ!

The next two people I contacted, was Kim to see if I could borrow the clothes, and my other friend, Laurie Wilson, a photographer. She is an artistic photographer, who's work I have loved for years. I thought she would get what I was trying to capture. They both came through for me, I picked up the outfits and had a photo shoot scheduled for the next day.   

So, I had CANCER, but too ease the pain I got to go on a double date with my husband and my good friend Olivia and her husband John. We went to Cheesecake Factory and then to see the movie Sully. After dinner we had a surprise that my friend from Atlanta, Cathy and another friend Amy came to join us for the movie. They did this after they heard of my diagnosis, to show support and love for me. This meant so much, to have such wonderful friends to lean on, especially tonight of all nights. Cathy and I had been friends since around 2000, when I became part of the infertility support group. I then met Amy around 2011 in the Bible Study that spun off the infertility support group, the Sheltering Tree. Olivia and I met in the Bible Study a few years after that. So our relationship had a strong foundation in Christ. After the movie Amy and Cathy took me to eat again! Cheesecake Factory two times in less than three hours, not sure it that should be allowed. The best part of the night was that I was surrounded by people who love me, and that is something the cancer diagnosis can not change!

John 13:34-35 ~ A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.